I used to have a light soul.
a happy, bright heart that was difficult to extinguish.
I used to be strong in myself.
confident.
I used to laugh freely & often,
to be ridiculous & giddy for no reason.
I used to be so...me.

then my soul cracked.
all the life & joy came pouring out.
gone.
lost.

how do you refill an empty soul?
a soul void of joy & freeness?
why is it so difficult to find the things you've lost?
how do I fill the crack, mend it?

even so, that mended crack, it will be a scar. & even so, that original life & joy once lost...that innocent, careless self...is gone.

I want to be me again.

here I sit. my heart searches for the things my soul has lost.

I must find new life & joy to fill my soul.

will I find me?
will the new burn brightly in my soul like the old?

I'll never be the same me I used to be.
everyday I change into a new me.

am I better now than I was then?

my broken, cracked soul, might it be better suited to grow & stretch now...
to grow larger, creating new space for the new me?
for new & more life & joy?

G*d is helping me mend my soul.
He's helping me fill it again.
I won't be the same audrey I was...
I'll be a better audrey.

an audrey more full of a new life & a new joy.

not hating my scar,
but being thankful for it.
not looking at my scar as a curse,
but a blessing--a means to grow my soul far beyond what is was capable of before.

this world.
we wrestle.
it is so strong.
I am so weak.
how do I find strength, confidence in a battle almost lost?

thank you G*d that you are the strength that fills my soul when I feel so weak.
that you are the confidence I can lean on when I have none in myself.
that I will never look into my self to find joy & life once lost, but look into you.
your kind face.
your heart of love that will not turn me away empty.
you will fill an empty & broken soul.

So, Matt wrote this post in November...& I'm just now getting it up! ooops! Better late than never....

Never have I so looked forward to the Chr*stmas season. There are probably a variety of reasons for this, but there is a sober, deep, quiet, and joyful fullness in my heart. My favorite Chr*stmas song is O Come, O Come Emmanuel. It speaks to me like all good music does:

“…disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death’s dark shadows put to flight…rejoice, rejoice Emmanuel shall come to thee…”

It makes me think of Jon and my family and our coming trip to India. This man came to fight death and darkness, and every shadow that mars His world. It is a violent peace He proclaims. A raging fury against all that poisons and rots all that is beautiful and good. The Light shown into the darkness of human misery and suffering and the Light declared war on the darkness.

More and more the Chr*st*an life comes alive to me as this:
Whatever good you enjoy, share it.
Whatever evil you suffer from, fight against it.

It looks like we will have orientation dates set for India. Audrey and I continue to work and save money and try to prepare as best we can. This is something I feel I have waited so long for. It is a little unsettling that it might actually happen.  But I am desperate it should! It is surreal to think about what Chr*stmas next year may look like.

What of the year following that?
How will we share the good we love and war against the evil we hate in India?
How will I do so now in Denver?
Can I bring hope to the slums and the cubicles?

I feel timid and sheepish, afraid no one understands me. Some days I dream of great triumphs and some days I am terrified of terrible failures. But we are moving closer. One way or the other, many things will change for us in the next year. The more predictable my life feels, the more I am afraid of change. But I am finding new unlikely heroes. I bought a book by a man named Sepp Holzer, an Austrian farmer, and as I was looking at raised beds and ponds and trees I thought to myself: ‘This is incredible.’

Who am I? I used to drool over Ferrari’s and LCD TV’s and stereo equipment, now my heart races at grafting varieties of pears? It is a comfort that the Lord will accomplish His purpose for me. Truly, I feel an odd tool for whatever work I am to do.

May the G*d who is with us disperse the gloomy clouds of night & give you a deep joy this Chr*stmas!
Love, Matt