Greetings from Colorado!  

It feels a bit surreal preparing to return to Thailand after 3 months in the US.  It is the longest stretch we have been out of Thailand in the last 7 years.  It has been a good time to rest, reflect, and and refresh before heading back to what has truly become "home" in Chiang Mai. 

Mostly we are feeling grateful for the overwhelming generosity, hospitality, and love we have received being back with family and friends.  

People are God's greatest gifts, and we are truly rich in our family and friendships.  

Coming back to the US is often a little scary.  Do our friends remember us?  Have we, or they changed since we saw them last?  Will it be easy or awkward being together?  

But when we are with the people we love, who also love us, the only thing we come away feeling is joy.

Unfortunately, that joy doesn't always mean we don't deal with stress or anxiety.  And anxiety isn't reasonable or rational.  For some reason, especially for me (Matt) it has been a real battle these past few months to be present and enjoy each person and moment. Like a dark cloud hanging over the midwest at winter, anxiety has lingered over my mind.  

There are some circumstances which have contributed to my anxiety, but if you have ever struggled with anxiety you know it isn't really based on anything external.  It is an internal struggle.  And it is, in many ways, an unfair fight.  

Because it isn't rational, we often can't just reason our way out. 
Because it is internal we can't just change our setting or circumstances.  

Some of the bravest people I know are those who fight battle others can't see. 

Technology can add to to those burdens and battles when we become aware of the suffering and struggles of some many others.  I find myself wanting to escape more to a simpler world (recently to a James Bond novel).

My cell phone becomes a ominous threat---waiting to bring me more bad news.  

There is a verse in Psalm 112 which often comes to my mind when I am feeling that lingering sense of dread: 

 "Surely the righteous will never be shaken;

    they will be remembered forever.

 They will have no fear of bad news;

    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear"

But what do we do when that isn't true of us? 

What about when I am paralyzed by the fear of bad news and I can't shake it? 
What about when my heart is a hot mess, running all over the place and not steadfast?  

What do I do when I can't seem to trust? 

Its ironic that the Bible, which often brings us comfort, can, when we are feeling down and discouraged have the opposite effect.  Rather than inspiring me, in those moments the verses only makes me feel guilty for not being able to do what I know I should do. 

From many conversations with friends and family, I am finding I am not alone in my struggle with anxiety (though we are each unique in our struggle since none of us suffers the same way).  

I have been sick as well, and physical sickness has a way of compounding discouragement.  Like sunglasses, illness is a dark lens that tints everything we see and think.   But illness is not always bad, it often leads to empathy.

Empathy is God's gift to us to help us love more deeply.  

Even seasons of anxiety and discouragement have this redeeming feature:
they soften us, and help us be more gracious and gentle with the anxiety and discouragement of others.  

I have not done well with my anxiety.  

I have been irritable, impatient, cynical, and ungrateful.  It has been humbling and wearying.  

In a new way, I have come to see evil anxiety is.  

It can warp even the best experiences and rob us of joy that we would otherwise embrace. 
It creates problems that do not exist, and it has a wide-reaching influence on all the people around us. 

If you have lived with an anxious person or spouse, you know how exhausting and frustrating it can be.  This doesn't mean we don't have compassion for those suffering, but we still must call evil evil, and good good.  

Anxiety is evil, and we need to fight it for our own sake, and for the sake of the people we love.

We will not all have an "equal" battle, but it is therefore all the more vital that when our struggle is greater, we learn to fight harder.  

Thank God we are not responsible for our own deliverance, but we are responsible to fight.  

God will never deliver us from what we refuse to fight.  

The two tools which have helped me the most these past few months are gratitude and memory. 
Gratitude is the simple reflection on all the good in our lives.  Recently, I have sat down and started listing them all out: my family, my friends, food, clothing, a soft bed, music, books, chocolate, sunsets, mountains, and on and on.  

Its a way of fighting cynicism and anxiety because it forces us to put the bad things in our lives in perspective.  

For me during this season, gratitude has come most powerfully through people.  On my darkest days, I would have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in years, or a good conversation with a family member and suddenly the darkness would lift for a bit, and I would just enjoy this incredible person I get to call my friend.  

For a moment, I escaped the prison of my own mind, and the anxious thoughts that were tormenting me, and found relief in the love of a friend.  Sometimes my friends were going through worse struggles than I was, but even that was a relief.  Here I could forget my own struggles for a few moments to try and encourage my friend.  

Gratitude for my friends, and spending time with them led to lots of other good memories.  The more I tried to think about all the good things and people in my life, the more I began to remember all the good that had come to me before.  

Remembering is important.  It is in many ways a spiritual and mental discipline.  

Anxiety is always threatening us with all the bad things that might happen. 

In a way, anxiety is the opposite of hope. 

Hope is the promise, not that everything will go the way we want, but that things can and will get better.  

Our history is at the very least, a reminder that while bad things do come, good things come too, and often, there are far more good than bad.  The bad memories stick in our minds more acutely and for longer periods, but when we look at the whole of life, it is astounding how blessed we have been.  

So as we begin a new year, in the midst of a lot of uncertainty, illness, loss, and struggles; and as our family gets ready to try to travel halfway around the world, I want to fight my anxiety with gratitude and memory.  

I want to hold on to all of you who have so blessed and encouraged us during our time in the US.
I want to hold on to all the good memories we made together.

I want to focus on all the blessings God has filled my life with every day.
I want to expect good things God will bring into my life tomorrow.

I want to trust in the God who gives us all good things, gladly and freely.
I want to trust in His goodness in my past, so I may learn to trust in His goodness for my future.  

How do we even begin to thank all of you who helped, fed, housed, and encouraged us?  

You have been light to us when we most needed it.  
May you be blessed in this new year, and may God continue to make you a blessing to many, even as you have been to us!  

May you find that place "where your own deep gladness and the world's deep need meet" and use your talents and gifts to make it that much better.  

Please pray for us as we embark on a long journey in uncertain times.  
Please pray for our staff and children at Faithful Heart. 
They have been in good hands, but we have lots to do when we get back.  

With lots of Love and many sad goodbyes,

Matt, Audrey, Ezra, & Sienna