Sienna capturing the moment

We are constantly meeting brave, struggling families doing their best

It was a loooong trip

Greetings from Thailand!

It is good to be home.  It took a lot to get here, but now that we are, it is so, so good.  It was also really good getting to see friends and family back in the US.  This is more and more of this back-and-forth in our lives now.  

We have a home in two places.  

When we are in Thailand, we miss America.  When we are in America, we miss Thailand.  It is not a bad thing.  It means we are blessed to have many incredible people in our lives who we love, and who love us, in different places.  

Audrey wrote a Facebook post describing our long journey back to Thailand.  As I reflected on her words, and our experience, I thought it made a good analogy for all of life.  

One cute baby

Boys

Riding...

 

Life is a journey, and more to the point, it is a journey home.  

We are looking for something we haven't yet found, hungering for something we haven't yet tasted, longing for something we haven't yet felt.  

Until then, we experience lots of these back-and-forth moments.  The past few months, as I was struggling with anxiety and stress, life seemed hard and joy was hard to find.  But these few weeks back in Thailand have been full of joy.  Riding my motorbike full throttle down the road, the sun shining and warming me, the mountains green and lush,  the wind whipping past my skin.  The taste of curry, the reuniting with friends and coworkers, at least for now, it all seems so good.  Joy is easy to find.  

I have had the same experience in opposite places too, joy in America, stress in Thailand.  

Ploy having fun with our boys

Feeding the animals

 

Our social work team is the best

In my moments of deepest joy, or heaviest sorrow, I have still felt a longing for more---a nagging sense of incompleteness.  

In a sense, we need to learn to be content with discontent, or life will be exhausting.  But there is also such a thing as a holy discontent.  It is not always wrong to hunger for more.  

There are two mistakes I have made in this regard.  I have been too content with life.  So long as things were going well for me, I was cheerfully indifferent to the circumstances of others.  On the opposite side, I have been so discontent with life, I couldn't enjoy anything.  The knowledge of suffering anywhere, destroyed my hope of happiness everywhere.  

The past few years, living much closer to poverty, pain, and need, than I had previously have forced me to find a way to "weep with those who weep, and rejoice with those who rejoice."  

I am afraid of sorrow and indifference.  

Its the season for bike riding

So nice to be outside

College Crew!

 

What I am coming to realize is that both sorrow and joy are on the road home. 

The sorrow reminds that things are not yet right, not as they ought to be. 
The joy reminds us that good exists, and helps us hope. 

The sorrow drives us on.  The joy allows us to rest. 

The sorrow pushes us to change.  The joy enables us to be where we are and appreciate how far we have come. 

The sorrow cries out for help.  The joy cries out in thanks.  

They are both our helpers and guides.  I would be concerned for any one who lacked one or the other.  To live well now, where we are, when we are; we need both.  

Show me a man or woman with all joy and no sorrow, and there will be something wrong.  Even if we have no sorrow of our own, how can we care nothing for the sorrows of others?  

But show me a man or woman who is all sorrow, and no joy, and there also will be something amiss.  Often those I encounter who have suffered the most, also posses an almost impossible gratitude.  No man has more joy in food than the man who formerly was starving.  No woman rejoices more in health, than she who has suffered from disease.  

This is life, this is the journey home.  The strange dance of joy and sorrow, as we rejoice in the good that is, and hope for the good that is still yet to come.  

Friends of mine call this the "Already-but-not-yet Kingdom."

One cute little guy

Our Swedish friends came back for a visit

Friends!

As followers of Jesus, we celebrate every good thing, and we work for the undoing of every evil thing.  We rejoice in the good world God made, and we work to fix all that we have helped break.  

It is a journey home---not to another place, but to the place this place was meant to be.  

So as we return to life in Thailand and to our work with vulnerable children; we know there will be both joy and sorrow, days of laughter, and days of  loss.  

We are not home yet, but our journeys are linked together.  We walk this road together.  We are thankful that we have the privilege to walk it with all of you.  

Good friends make life better!

Much better!

We finally have the proper title to our dorm!

 

A Prayer for the Journey Home:

Father, may we discover how wonderful you really are for ourselves.
May your kingdom come here, so that all shall be well for all, as you wish it to be.
Today, give to all enough and let it be enough for all of us.
Forgive us for all the harm we have caused. 
Forgive others all the harm they have caused us, so that we may all be healed and whole.
Lead us home, not to false fulfillment that fades so fast.
Deliver us from the evil inside of us, and outside of us.  

Thank you for your love and support, and friendship.  

Love Matt, Audrey, Ezra, & Sienna

Family time

This girl has no limits

My girls :-)

Jet lag is real

 

Greetings from Colorado!  

It feels a bit surreal preparing to return to Thailand after 3 months in the US.  It is the longest stretch we have been out of Thailand in the last 7 years.  It has been a good time to rest, reflect, and and refresh before heading back to what has truly become "home" in Chiang Mai. 

Mostly we are feeling grateful for the overwhelming generosity, hospitality, and love we have received being back with family and friends.  

People are God's greatest gifts, and we are truly rich in our family and friendships.  

Coming back to the US is often a little scary.  Do our friends remember us?  Have we, or they changed since we saw them last?  Will it be easy or awkward being together?  

But when we are with the people we love, who also love us, the only thing we come away feeling is joy.

Unfortunately, that joy doesn't always mean we don't deal with stress or anxiety.  And anxiety isn't reasonable or rational.  For some reason, especially for me (Matt) it has been a real battle these past few months to be present and enjoy each person and moment. Like a dark cloud hanging over the midwest at winter, anxiety has lingered over my mind.  

There are some circumstances which have contributed to my anxiety, but if you have ever struggled with anxiety you know it isn't really based on anything external.  It is an internal struggle.  And it is, in many ways, an unfair fight.  

Because it isn't rational, we often can't just reason our way out. 
Because it is internal we can't just change our setting or circumstances.  

Some of the bravest people I know are those who fight battle others can't see. 

Technology can add to to those burdens and battles when we become aware of the suffering and struggles of some many others.  I find myself wanting to escape more to a simpler world (recently to a James Bond novel).

My cell phone becomes a ominous threat---waiting to bring me more bad news.  

There is a verse in Psalm 112 which often comes to my mind when I am feeling that lingering sense of dread: 

 "Surely the righteous will never be shaken;

    they will be remembered forever.

 They will have no fear of bad news;

    their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the Lord.

 Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear"

But what do we do when that isn't true of us? 

What about when I am paralyzed by the fear of bad news and I can't shake it? 
What about when my heart is a hot mess, running all over the place and not steadfast?  

What do I do when I can't seem to trust? 

Its ironic that the Bible, which often brings us comfort, can, when we are feeling down and discouraged have the opposite effect.  Rather than inspiring me, in those moments the verses only makes me feel guilty for not being able to do what I know I should do. 

From many conversations with friends and family, I am finding I am not alone in my struggle with anxiety (though we are each unique in our struggle since none of us suffers the same way).  

I have been sick as well, and physical sickness has a way of compounding discouragement.  Like sunglasses, illness is a dark lens that tints everything we see and think.   But illness is not always bad, it often leads to empathy.

Empathy is God's gift to us to help us love more deeply.  

Even seasons of anxiety and discouragement have this redeeming feature:
they soften us, and help us be more gracious and gentle with the anxiety and discouragement of others.  

I have not done well with my anxiety.  

I have been irritable, impatient, cynical, and ungrateful.  It has been humbling and wearying.  

In a new way, I have come to see evil anxiety is.  

It can warp even the best experiences and rob us of joy that we would otherwise embrace. 
It creates problems that do not exist, and it has a wide-reaching influence on all the people around us. 

If you have lived with an anxious person or spouse, you know how exhausting and frustrating it can be.  This doesn't mean we don't have compassion for those suffering, but we still must call evil evil, and good good.  

Anxiety is evil, and we need to fight it for our own sake, and for the sake of the people we love.

We will not all have an "equal" battle, but it is therefore all the more vital that when our struggle is greater, we learn to fight harder.  

Thank God we are not responsible for our own deliverance, but we are responsible to fight.  

God will never deliver us from what we refuse to fight.  

The two tools which have helped me the most these past few months are gratitude and memory. 
Gratitude is the simple reflection on all the good in our lives.  Recently, I have sat down and started listing them all out: my family, my friends, food, clothing, a soft bed, music, books, chocolate, sunsets, mountains, and on and on.  

Its a way of fighting cynicism and anxiety because it forces us to put the bad things in our lives in perspective.  

For me during this season, gratitude has come most powerfully through people.  On my darkest days, I would have lunch with a friend I haven't seen in years, or a good conversation with a family member and suddenly the darkness would lift for a bit, and I would just enjoy this incredible person I get to call my friend.  

For a moment, I escaped the prison of my own mind, and the anxious thoughts that were tormenting me, and found relief in the love of a friend.  Sometimes my friends were going through worse struggles than I was, but even that was a relief.  Here I could forget my own struggles for a few moments to try and encourage my friend.  

Gratitude for my friends, and spending time with them led to lots of other good memories.  The more I tried to think about all the good things and people in my life, the more I began to remember all the good that had come to me before.  

Remembering is important.  It is in many ways a spiritual and mental discipline.  

Anxiety is always threatening us with all the bad things that might happen. 

In a way, anxiety is the opposite of hope. 

Hope is the promise, not that everything will go the way we want, but that things can and will get better.  

Our history is at the very least, a reminder that while bad things do come, good things come too, and often, there are far more good than bad.  The bad memories stick in our minds more acutely and for longer periods, but when we look at the whole of life, it is astounding how blessed we have been.  

So as we begin a new year, in the midst of a lot of uncertainty, illness, loss, and struggles; and as our family gets ready to try to travel halfway around the world, I want to fight my anxiety with gratitude and memory.  

I want to hold on to all of you who have so blessed and encouraged us during our time in the US.
I want to hold on to all the good memories we made together.

I want to focus on all the blessings God has filled my life with every day.
I want to expect good things God will bring into my life tomorrow.

I want to trust in the God who gives us all good things, gladly and freely.
I want to trust in His goodness in my past, so I may learn to trust in His goodness for my future.  

How do we even begin to thank all of you who helped, fed, housed, and encouraged us?  

You have been light to us when we most needed it.  
May you be blessed in this new year, and may God continue to make you a blessing to many, even as you have been to us!  

May you find that place "where your own deep gladness and the world's deep need meet" and use your talents and gifts to make it that much better.  

Please pray for us as we embark on a long journey in uncertain times.  
Please pray for our staff and children at Faithful Heart. 
They have been in good hands, but we have lots to do when we get back.  

With lots of Love and many sad goodbyes,

Matt, Audrey, Ezra, & Sienna

 

These sweet, new friends helped us distribute food to families in San Sai, near our new land

So good to reconnect with Ajan Wep, one of our former house fathers, to help distribute food

And so good to reconnect with Ajan Yay, a former house father, to hand out food

Greetings from Thailand! 

If you are like me, most of my life I have been pretty sure I was right, right up until the point when I changed my mind.  

Often, we don't even realize we have changed or how much we have changed until much later. 

(And that's ok).  

The reason this is the case is because experience changes interpretation.  

And it should.  

Sometimes the facts change, or new information comes to us we didn't have before, but often the only thing that has changed is us (and how we process and interpret the information we have).  

That is why wisdom often comes with age (though not always).  

The more of life we experience, and the more different kinds of experiences we have in our life, the more it changes how we think about life. 

Those experiences (or their lack) are like lenses through which we interpret the world around us. 

Frog hunting was successful

12 years of marriage merits sweater shopping in the tropics

Ezra turned 5!

Take snow for an example. 

Show a picture of snow to a person from Ohio and they might groan. 
Show the picture to a person in Colorado and they might smile. 
Show it to a person in Florida and they might laugh. 
Show it to a person in Thailand, and they may not even know what it is. 

The snow stays the same, but the individual experiences we each have with snow, depending on our geography, can change how we think about snow. 

We view everything in life through our own personal lens of our experiences, family, upbringing, culture, and geography (and many more).  

There is no such thing as a truly objective person.  

Most of us do not really make an effort to be objective anyway. 
It takes hard, very difficult, uncomfortable work to even try to be objective, and rarely is there much incentive to do so. 

If we belong to a tight knit community like a family, or a church, or a political party, it can actually be viewed as a negative trait. 

To question or critique a group's beliefs or practices, is often seen as a threat to the group itself (and often, your place in the group).    

There is tremendous social pressure in groups to conform to what the rest of the group does or thinks (usually what a few of the leaders of the group does or thinks).
Many people think this is what unity is. 

But unity is not uniformity. 

Dtoshi is our newest college scholarship recipient, studying music

We partnered with CEF to help get food to families in poor communities in Chiang Mai

Some of the most resilient, welcoming people you will ever meet

Uniformity is trying to make everyone the same. 

Unity is the coming together of very different people, to accomplish common goals and purposes. 

Unity doesn’t seek to eliminate the diversity, but to work together within it.    
Uniformity sees diversity as a threat, or a hindrance to be eliminated.
Unity sees diversity as a strength, a protection to be cherished.

But unity is not an easy or natural process. 

Psychologically, we are much more comfortable with similarity.  We like what is familiar. We like being with people who think and look like we do.

Plus it is much more pleasant to be proved right, than to discover we are wrong. 

Just ask yourself what feels better after an argument with your wife or husband; being proved right, or having to admit you were wrong?

And the more invested we are in our answer; the more difficult it is to be wrong.    

We love making new friends :-)

Grandmas are the same everywhere you go

Grandpas too

Far too often, we go looking to prove we are right (to support the opinions we already hold) not to discover all the facts or information.    

But, in order to learn anything, we must start by acknowledging that there are facts or information we don't know.
 
Even if we are "sure" we know some true things, that does not mean we know all things (everything that is true).

Hopefully, we all know how dangerous it can be to jump to conclusions before having all the information.  

And while there are objective truths, there are not objective people. 

The result is while we are able to know true things; we must hold our understanding of them humbly because of all the other things we don’t know

Half of wisdom is knowing and appreciating how much you don’t know.   

Ignorance and zeal often go together. 

A little knowledge makes us arrogant.  A lot of knowledge makes us humble, because the more we know, the more we realize we don’t know. 

There is a vast gap between facts of existence and how you or I understand and interpret them.  

Or to put it another way, the facts of existence are objective, but you and I are not.  (we cannot know them objectively).  

We have no way of "downloading" information directly into our minds. 

We have to pass it through our lenses; our own unique blend of biases, experiences, culture, and geography, etc.

In other words, we are always interpreting the world around us.  And our interpretations are not objective, but affected by our unique experiences.  

The least important person in the room, but glad to be along for the fun

Our house father Mong, handing out food with the Mien Church

Really grateful were we able to put together a birthday party for Ezra

We all do it every day. 

We are constantly interpreting the world around us and trying to make sense of it, deciding how to live in it. 

Regardless of whether you are a raging zealot, or a quiet agnostic, your life is your answer to the questions of existence.    

And some of those answers are better than others, just like some people and some lives are better than others. 

Truth and reality are not subjective. 
Your life choices will have consequences.

For example, whether you believe in gravity or not, gravity is an objective truth.  How you choose to interact with gravity with have definite consequences in your life.  

So if you are sure you have better answers to life’s questions, how do you prove it?

Show us. 

Your life is your argument.  It is the prototype of your ideas. 

If you have figured out something objectively true about life, or the world or the universe, your life is the proof (or the lack thereof). 

What you do is what you believe. (Dallas Willard)

Ezra gluing down the all weather carpet for the pontoon boat

Two more boat building helpers!

Almost ready for the water!

I am as guilty of this mistake as anyone I know.  I thought truth was only, or at least mainly in the realm of theories and ideas.  So even when my own life had very little to commend itself to anyone else, I still felt confident telling everyone else how right I was (and how wrong they were). 

When our life is a joyful, useful, fruitful, peaceful thing, then indeed we may have something to share.

But if our lives aren’t very good; if they don’t make us happy and the world better; should we be telling other people how to live their lives? 

You can't share what you don't have.  

Surely part of our problem in the world today is we have so many unhappy, unhealthy people trying to tell us how to be healthy and happy, whether they are pundits on tv, politicians in Washington, or pastors in pulpits.  

We are all starting with the assumption we are already right, even when our lives aren’t right. 

But the proof is not in your arguments, not your words, or opinions, but your life. 

Another partnership in Bo Sang to help get food to people

Good friends at Kingdom of God Church

Ezra was a great help packing 350 bags of food

Your life, the one you live every day, is the fruit of your beliefs. 
What you do is what you believe (regardless of what you think you think).

We only need statements of faith or codes of ethics when there is a clear lack in our faith or ethics in our actual lives.  

We need fewer commentators, and more people out on the field; fewer critics and more artistic examples; fewer talking heads with clever theories, and more lives worth imitating. 

So if you are one of those frustrated people who are so sure you are right (and your group is right), how can you prove to the world that you are indeed right?

Easy.  Show us. 

We must first become the kind of people, living the kind of lives we want to see in the world, before we can help anyone else do the same.  

12 years with this lady I love

One excited birthday boy

Our dainty skater girl

So whether you are the religious police, ready to show everyone else where they are wrong; ready to condemn anyone and everyone who doesn’t think about or explain God the way you do; turn your attention inward before you turn it outward.  

Or if you are the self-appointed cultural police, ready to tell us all how to speak, when we should be offended, and how we are to behave; turn your attention inward before you turn it outward.  

Is your own life an example of the change you want to see in the world?  

People will listen to your words, when they see a life worth imitating. 

And a life worth imitating is a life that is good and does good, for everyone’s benefit and no one’s loss. 

Humility is the path to that kind of life. 

Humility is the knowledge and appreciation of all we don’t know. 

Humility leads to wisdom, and wisdom leads to living well, and living well proves what is right.        

The great thing about humility is it lifts our burdens and releases our anger.  

Arrogance is a terrible burden to carry around. 

Feeding the horses

Little friends

It isn't easy reconnecting families, but it is worth it!

Arrogance says it’s up to me to change everyone else, to fix them.

Humility says it’s up to me to change myself.

Arrogance says we need to save the world, the country, the church, etc.
Humility says we need to serve the world, the country, the church.

Ultimately, having faith is being able to say I can trust these things that are too big for me with someone greater than me. 

There is someone who can make all these things right (that is important); it just isn’t me. 

I have a part to play. 
But my part is to learn to live well, and let that example be light for others. 

Daily life

When your name fits you just right----Joy

Jesus never asked us to change other people’s minds, but to let our light shine. 

He came that we might have life in abundance, and He taught us how to have it. 
When we truly possess it, and it possesses us, then we would have something to share. 

Not just a words or arguments, but life itself. 

That’s what He meant when he said we are the light of the world. 

So let your light shine. 

Don’t just protest what’s wrong, pro-testify what is right with your own life
(Shane Claiborne).

The proof is in the pudding.  Let your life be the sweetest and the best, and others can taste and see for themselves what is good.

Love,

Matt, Audrey, Ezra, & Sienna

Please pray for Thailand