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Matt and Audrey Pound


It's a question I'm sure we'll hear a hundred times. It will be asked casually, as if I'll have a casual answer. Which, I won't. That's a pretty loaded question. I could respond, “oh, India was fine.” That would be easy. But completely inadequate & not completely honest.

The first leg of our journey was exhausting---physically, emotionally & spiritually. The cloud of culture shock loomed over us for that first month. There was a moment walking through the streets--–the air was thick with heat, heavy with strange smells, drowning with thousands of noises, breaking with incessant movement. Very little resembled home. Very little was familiar. This 'India' was overwhelming. A sense of panic welled inside of me. There in the midst of everything foreign, against all rationality, I had an innate panic that this was all that existed in the world, there was no going back—this fear that home didn't exist anymore—like we were worlds apart & there was no portal home.

It was like in C.S. Lewis' book, The Magician's Nephew...the boy, Digory, traveled from world to world, but always needed the magic ring, without which, he could not go home. It felt like I lost the ring & I was trapped in this terrifyingly foreign world. I hated that feeling, but it was the closest I've ever felt to God. I clung to God. He is the only familiar & faithful in a land of foreign. He transcends 'worlds' with me. Like in the book—God is the Aslan that all the worlds have heard of. He is the constant known in worlds of unknown.

I read & reread these verses to find courage & comfort:

{01 John 04}
There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life, fear of death, fear of judgment, is one not fully formed in love.

{Jude}
...loved by God the Father, called & kept safe by Jesus Christ. Relax. Everything's going to be alright; rest, everything's coming together; open your hearts, love is on the way!
...but you dear friends, carefully build yourselves up in this most holy faith by praying in the Holy Spirit, staying right at the center of God's love, keeping your arms open & outstretched, ready for the mercy of our Master, Jesus Christ.

{Isaiah 30}
Your salvation requires you to turn back to Me & stop your silly efforts to save yourselves. Your strength will come from settling down in complete dependence on Me—the very thing you've been unwilling to do. // ...But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right—everything. Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones.

In that panic moment, I had to remember that I am in the center of God's love. The fear paralyzed me. When I finally stopped & lifted my head...I found God. He reminded me that dependence on Him is the only way I can walk in strength. Mercy & grace have come before us & are close behind. The graces God gave (& give) us astound me. We walked out of this journey whole & healthy because of His grace & mercy on us. (Go listen to Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin---that's our India "take courage" song).

> > >

Matt & I left India for a month long detour to Thailand & when we returned to India we found the journey still held it's challenges, but more-so, it was a rich & fulfilling time...

It was a warm night. The sun was well under. We drove for 40 minutes out into a village near Solapur, India. We arrived in the pitch black of the electrcity-less village. Looking up, the stars were strong & the Milky Way was swirled about. New friends led us through thin paths between the make-shift houses. I startled a few times realizing that people were sitting only feet from us, against their homes, watching us all pass by in the night. Across the village, shouts & music drifted toward us—most of the village people were there, celebrating Ganesh—an elephant god. We weren't here to worship Ganesh, we were here to worship the Most High God, the Living God. One by one, we ducked into a cement-block room. This is where the Church gathers to worship God together. Candles littered the room. People slowly gathered in behind us. Mothers, fathers, children, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends. Looking tired & worn from a day of hot work in the sun. They received us quietly, with smiles & gentleness. An Indian man began to drum out a beat & the worship music started to flow. I savored that moment. There I was, in a village in India, sitting in this candle-lit holy space, worshiping Jesus with these brothers & sisters. Incredible.

It was after this experience that it really sunk in that God's arm is not short. God is in the home. He is in the neighbor. He is in the beggar on the street. God is in the cities. He is in the most remote village, further out than you & I would dare to go. He is there! His power works beyond us!

Here's a excerpt from my journal from the same time as the night scene I just described...

23 September, Monday
Solapur, India
Since returning to India, about 5 days ago now, God has given me the grace to see through His eyes. See the beauty that is here. To see the work He is at. To gaze in awe of His people. His earth. His work. My fear has dissipated. I've finally been able to relax & enjoy. I feel close to God here.

We've seen God's long arm reach across the people of India. Taking night buses from here to there & again to there—HE is at work in India! His Church is good—His hand & truth is upon them! What a relief that we don't have to spread God's love in our own power—but HE does it—in His power. & we have the privilege of helping.

{Psalm 22}
From the four corners of the earth, people are coming to their senses, are running back to God. Long-lost families are falling on their faces before Him. God has taken charge; from now on He has the last word.

> > >

So...how was India?

India was challenging, inspiring, full of richness, plagued by poverty, broken by the world, & being healed by the Kingdom...

> > >
12:59 AM 3 comments
We are called The Vagabonds. We are a band of battered friends.  We are a community. We are family. We are the body of Christ.

We've traveled miles upon miles together in planes, trains, buses, rickshaws...we've endured nights together in dirty places, passed through illnesses together, protected each other, prayed hard with each other; we've sat in worship together, raw with emotion, seeking & finding God together—our comfort, our shield, our strong place.

We've shared weaknesses, confessed sin, encouraged strengths, challenged hearts. We've seen each other at our worst & at our best. Proud brothers & sisters, walking together through the dark & the light. Searching, searching for our place in the Kingdom. Searching for a life of serving, a life of love, a life pleasing to God.

Many times we've all been at the end of our ropes. Traveled-out, peopled-out, Indiad-out. Some times we find ourselves simply living day to day in a state of self-preservation. Taking all of our energy to just keep ourselves moving. It's in these moments, our most human moments, when we can't keep our “every thing's fine” face up. The facade finally falls & we are exactly who we are—not the perception we put up for others to see. We are just broken down humans, searching for strength.

It's in these raw moments when we look into each others faces, stop comparing, stop judging & just realize that we're all human in desperate need of God. We need God to hold us up, to make us whole, make us right & good. We need God to put love in us when we have nothing else to give—so drained & empty from trying to live in this world. We need God to fill us. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control—we don't have these in ourselves without God in us. He brings them to us.

In these moments of complete desperation, we cry out to God for help. For strength. And God shows up.

Lift up your head. He will fill you. He will give you the things your heart needs to go on.

{2 Corinthians 7, MSG}
“Then the God who lifts up the downcast lifted our heads & our hearts...

You let the distress bring you to God, not drive you from him. The result was all gain, no loss. Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain...

And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart.”

In my human weakness, but with God's undeniable strength,

Audrey

The Vagabonds, India 2013
Andrew, Chris, McKenzie, Audrey, Matt (& Jonathan)



12:25 AM No comments
Have you ever really wondered what you were made to do?  That question fills our minds as we travel through India.  Fundamentally, I believe in happiness.  I think God is happy. Despite all the misery, suffering, and pain in the world, I still maintain that God is happy and He desires all people to experience deep, lasting happiness.  There are many things that look like happiness, but are not.  Pride can look like happiness.  Greed can look like happiness.  Then there are those things that don't look like happiness but are.  The nun who cares for disabled children every day.  The 70 year old couple who  sacrifice retirement to care for the poor.

I have tentatively (and until further notice) come to the conclusion that true happiness is directly tied to two principles:

1.  I must never seek my happiness at the expense of others, or irregardless of the happiness of others, but only in the happiness of others.

2.   To experience lasting, real happiness I must discover who I am (and who I am not) and what I was made to do.

Those two concepts are a large part of what brought me to India.  I want to be happy and help others be happy and I want to discover my vocation.  I had a conversation with a very remarkable man here about how to figure out what to do with my life.  Out of that conversation has flowed some fresh thoughts.  I have always enjoyed innovating.  My mother can testify that I am always scheming.  I think it is fair to say I have a bit of an entrepreneurial bent as well.  I like working with my hands and I prefer to be outside.  I believe in Jesus, that He is the hope for the world.  I believe He gave His life for others and instructs his followers to do the same.  So where does that leave me?  Depends on the week you ask me.  In India, we are growing and changing so much, it is hard to keep track of my own thoughts.  Right now, I think it leads me to Social Business; starting projects and legitimate businesses to benefit individuals and society as a whole.  Audrey and I have recently discovered our mutual love for cows (strange, I know).  We were in the city of Solapur a few weeks ago and we were able to learn about and witness a social business that helps rural families get a cow to supplement their income and dairy diet.  Its a great concept and perhaps something we could support and duplicate.

I just wish I felt confident in myself or in what I am supposed to do.  Even when I think I have an idea, there is always doubt and uncertainty.  And what if I fail and make a mess of everything?
The pursuit of happiness is a risky one, but I have to believe it is worth the wager.  These are the wrestlings of my mind in Bangalore.  We are really enjoying our time here.  If you want to visit India, come to Bangalore.  So far, it's our favorite city.  If you want to meet some inspiring people, visit Divya Shanthi (just tell the auto-rickshaw driver Lingarajpuram bridge).  And if you want to support people investing in the happiness of others as well as there own, and doing incredible work for the poor consider giving to Divya Shanthi.  Audrey and I are going to give to them as well.

We are missing the fall in Colorado and Ohio (our favorite season) and many of you with it!

Please feel free to add comments to any of our blogs, we really love hearing from you.

In hope,
Matt

psst...check out these links:
Divya Shanthi
Chris & McKenzie's Blog
Andrew Horne's Blog
  
7:18 AM No comments
It's been a long time since a post! To be honest, so much is happening in heart and in the days here that it's difficult to put these movements into words. I was praying about this post this morning and wondering what to write...

I came across this passage in 2 Corinthians. This passage resonated with me on the whole, and even in the way Paul describes their troubles, but more than that, it emphasizes that Jesus is EVERYTHING, God always shows up & we have a great HOPE to hold on to! As you read it, remember that Paul is the writer here, not me; and Paul went through far worse turmoil than we are experiencing (moms & dads, don't fret!).  So, read on. It's long, but SO GOOD.

2 Corinthians 4//5//6 from The Message.
Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we’re proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, “Light up the darkness!” and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!

We’re not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, “I believed it, so I said it,” we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God’s glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we’ll never have to relocate our “tents” again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what’s coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we’re tired of it! We’ve been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what’s ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we’ll never settle for less.

That’s why we live with such good cheer. You won’t see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don’t get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It’s what we trust in but don’t yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we’ll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.

But neither exile nor homecoming is the main thing. Cheerfully pleasing God is the main thing, and that’s what we aim to do, regardless of our conditions. Sooner or later we’ll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what’s coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.

That keeps us vigilant, you can be sure. It’s no light thing to know that we’ll all one day stand in that place of Judgment. That’s why we work urgently with everyone we meet to get them ready to face God. God alone knows how well we do this, but I hope you realize how much and deeply we care. We’re not saying this to make ourselves look good to you. We just thought it would make you feel good, proud even, that we’re on your side and not just nice to your face as so many people are. If I acted crazy, I did it for God; if I acted overly serious, I did it for you. Christ’s love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do.

Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own.

Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you.

How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.

Companions as we are in this work with you, we beg you, please don’t squander one bit of this marvelous life God has given us. God reminds us,

I heard your call in the nick of time;
The day you needed me, I was there to help.

Well, now is the right time to listen, the day to be helped. Don’t put it off; don’t frustrate God’s work by showing up late, throwing a question mark over everything we’re doing.
12:24 AM 1 comments
I learned something from a short woman with short gray-haired beating the drums with fervor.  Her husband was a Scotsman.  He pointed to her and said to me; “Do you know who Animal is from the Muppets?”  “Yes,” I replied.  “Well that's my wife on the drums.  Be careful if you sit in the first few rows.  It is entirely likely she could explode at any moment.”

I am in Thailand, at a gathering of all the international churches in the city of Chiang Mai.  As we began to sing, this woman played with an abundance of passion and delight.  I have never seen such a drummer.  It was about 40 days ago we left the USA and headed to India.  Even such a short time has forever changed the way I see.  I feel something like the blind man who had mud put on his eyes.  J*sus asked him, “Do you see anything?”  The man said he saw men, but they looked more like trees walking.  We all see, but we see from a distinct position.  When that position changes, how we see changes.  I thought I saw clearly before, but I now feel I did not see wholly, or completely before.

The ordinary here is really quite extraordinary.  We spent time with a family who has lived the last 18 years in the slums of India.  We met an Irish couple retiring from 50 years of teaching in Nepal.  We met a family with 6 children living in China.  We met a single man coming from 14 years of work with street children in Cambodia.  Suddenly, all my confidence and my feelings of superiority disappear.  A child should be quiet in the presence of his superiors.

Even those I thought I knew, those who travel with me, amaze me.  They act with great courage, they endure hardship, they respond in loving kindness, and they will not give up.  They are just ordinary {extraordinary} people.  Perhaps, given more time, G*d will show me the extraordinary in all I think is ordinary, even me.

Right now it is easy to see how extraordinary everyone else is, but I feel depressingly ordinary.  My faults are decidedly ordinary and common.  My gifts don't seem as impressive as those of others around me.  I am uncomfortable and hot.  Extraordinary people can do these things, live these amazing, inspiring lives, but what about ordinary people?  What about me?  What about us?

Maybe this is faith:
A desire gently leading you towards what you secretly fear you are not capable of doing.

If so, I need more now than ever.  Maybe that's good.
6:54 AM 1 comments
We've been in Thailand for 3 days now (I think!...I'm basically oblivious as to what day it is!) & I'm already in love. It's soooo beautiful here & the people are gems. Peace & rest come all too easy, which is exactly what we need! I busted out the camera today! Here's what I see...

 
Gorgeous, huh?
3:00 AM No comments
Well, as you guys can see & most likely have noticed...Matt & are in Thailand! Plans changed in a whirlwind! Long story short, we felt the pull from G*d & got caught up in His tide & miraculously ended up here! Which is all quite puzzling because this was no where near part of the plan! But that seems to be the way G*d rolls. :) I think we'll be here for about a month & then we'll jump back over to India & meet our group in Pune. 

Thought I'd grace you with some photos :) 

here you go.


Resting up in beautiful Chiang Mai. lovely bit of paradise.
These mirrors are all over the place. Can I take one home?
Attempted to walk out to the night market last night. Monsoon, you win. Got drenched & hitched a ride in a truck bed back to our place. A nice, wet adventure :)
Wet monsoon footprints racing up our porch stairs.
Our home for the next month!
Tree-house like & loving it!
the end. :)

3:00 AM No comments
Who would have thought that we'd spend our 4 year anniversary in India?! Wowza :) We had an interesting little outing, which made the whole day feel very Indian! The idea was to stroll into town, sit in a nice AC cafe', try to eat some western-ish food & just relax for a few hours.

Well, we couldn't really stroll into town-- we had long distance & time restraints, so we decided to bike into town! So, Matt peddled & I rode side saddle on the back like any normal Indian woman :) haha, I wish I had a picture! Man, it was a bumpy ride! No paved streets for the first 3km so it was potholes and rocks all the way--& a sore bum :) Got into town just in time for the electricity to go out, womp, womp. No AC for us! ...got a funny little pizza, picked up some desserts & headed back out to the orientation site. We ended up playing games & celebrating with everyone once we got back. All in all, it didn't turn out as planned, but ended up being a great day! Such is life in India :)

We've been majorly slacking on the blog front! Surprisingly, it is super difficult to find internet access out here! I thought there'd be wi-fi around, but it has been nearly impossible to find.

Also, I don't have very many pictures...I know, that's so bad! I would love to take more, but pulling out the camera brings extra attention that I'd rather not have!

So, here's what I've got :)



At the conclusion of orientation, the group pr*yed this over each person. Very cool experience.
This & the two photos below are actually in middle class neighbourhoods.



Roof top photos with Aasha. She & her husband found it quite funny that Matt & I have her name tattooed on us :)

Her name is glory <3 


Surroundings at orientation site.

Group birthday and anniversary celebrations!
Lovely new friends from Australia, Canada, UK, New Zealand & USA!





3:00 AM 1 comments


 
^^^feeling much more comfortable here & we're both healthy at the moment!

Today is day 6 of orientation. Honestly, the five of us were freaking out after we left Delhi...some serious culture shock and just shock that we are actually doing this. Our days in Delhi were not super pleasant, haha! We were all feeling overwhelmed and having a hard time finding food that would settle well, and our dang sleeping schedules were 12 hours off! So, leaving Delhi after 3 days, we were pretty beat both emotionally and physically. We took a sleeper train from the city to the orientation site...I was pretty anxious about the ride. I mean, you're sleeping in an open train full of strangers! Most people would be a little wary of that, right?! Fortunately, Matt and I were in an air conditioned train (Chris, Kenz and Andrew were in the non-ac train, poor guys!). Being in AC also implies that most of the riders with you are middle-class Indians. It was totally good, a completely new experience, but it was comfortable and my heart actually found some peace as we rested.

Anyway, now we've been at this site for 6 days and we all feel so much better. Sleeping schedules have finally been set right and they are feeding us pretty mild food. Although, as Chris also shared, eating has lost it's joy...it's more of a chore. Haha :) We're not super into the food, but it's fine. We have secret stashes of peanut butter and snacks in our rooms... :) McKenzie was has been having some serious stomach rumblings happening. It's stress related (formed before coming to India), but thankfully the last few days she's been feeling a ton better.

We've found that having a routine here is really important for our sanity! Just having to set simple goals for the day and take it one day at a time. There is no AC at this site, soooo, just fans (when the power works) and blazing hotness when the power goes out (probably 5 times and day and maybe once a night, whew, it's rough).

We're stretching our capacities and being challenged basically every hour, ha! So, there has been MAJOR pr*yer and G*d reliance since landing day 1 in Delhi. He's pulled through faithfully in every situation so far. :)

Oh! and we're learning some Hindi!

How are you?: aap caysaa hey?
I am fine. : may teek who.

Now you speak Hindi too!

Well, I think that's it for now. Will update again when possible!

Much love! We miss you all!!! Keep pr*ying for us!

Audrey
5:51 AM 1 comments

I wrote this like a week ago...better late than never!

Whew. Made it through day one. We got into the airport late last night & waited for Chris & McKenzie to arrive a few hours after us. I loved the airport...it felt so normal & tame I was kinda fantasizing it would feel that way all over India...then we stepped out of the doors into a rush of humid heat & people. Our first little ...adventure...shortly followed. We've already heard warnings & stories about the taxi drivers taking tourists who don't know what they're doing to these “tourist information centers.” We also read all this in the India Lonely Planet book, and it followed those warnings to a tee. Anyway, we told this guy our hotel name & area, but he totally took us to this crappy little side store with shady guys hovering about...at 2am nonetheless. We told him repeatedly “No, No, just to hotel!” Apparently, they “call” your hotel & then tell you that your room is not available anymore, so they then set you up at a different hotel at a way higher price, part of which is their commission for getting you there. Anyway, my heart way beating outside of my chest as we were all telling this guy to keep driving (& I had also been praying since the moment we set foot in the airport.) Thank God, seriously, at the moment things were going to turn, a police car pulled up next to us & we told him where we needed to go & he informed the driver to take us there. Man alive. That was a little much for our first hour on Delhi soil. We pulled down a tight street with concrete run down hotels on both sides, and pulled up to our place. We got out of that taxi ASAP and bolted inside. Thank the Lord, again, that this hotel is so good to us. Annnd, has AC. Yes.

Today we mostly stayed in the hotel room. I've been trying to muster up some bravery to go out into the streets. They're a lot less intimidating in the daytime. We ventured out a little tonight to find some dinner. Oh! And Andrew found us! We walked down stairs to get breakfast & there he was! I asked if he'd been waiting long..he said no...but later an Indian told me that he was waiting for us a very long time. It's good to all be together.

 ^^^A not too exciting shot of our hotel-room-hide-out in Delhi :)

 ^^^View of Delhi from our hotel balcony.
5:48 AM 1 comments
Hey guys! Just a quick update--we made it to Delhi! Matt & I got in late on the 24th then waited a few hours for Chris & McKenzie. After a very eventful taxi ride, we made it to our hotel at 3am in the morning. After we woke up, we went down for breakfast & found Andrew waiting for us--hooary!! He was relieved to see us & we him :) We're still adjusting to the 12 hour difference in the sleep schedule, but feeling pretty well rested. Today we're going to muster up some bravery to go outside (haha) & hit the markets & some tourist sites. Please keep praying for protection & health as we continue! Love to all!!!

Matt & Audrey
7:55 PM 1 comments
Update:  We have purchased tickets leaving for India late July and scheduled to return mid-December!  We are vaccinated and have our visas!

I am surprised when I take time to look into myself and try to see the man I am.  I am even a little shocked to find what desires are set deep in me.  I have wanted adventure, but that isn’t what I want now.  In fact, like any real adventure, the closer you come to the actual doing the more terrifying it becomes.  The more the snugness of your bed, the predictable nature of your job, the security of a culture you understand seem to be really nice things.  It is true the greatest fear is the unknown.  I haven’t lost my sense of adventure, at least not entirely.  But the truth is I am seeking something else, something I desire deep within me: to live well.  I suppose such a thing can only be defined by the one who seeks it.  I want a home.  I want to put down roots and brace like a tree against the winds and storms of life.   I want to have a family.  I want to farm and live more simply.  My smallness offends me.  I resent the fact that I cannot grasp the world and change through sheer force of will.  But I think I understand how God made me to be.

I must find my corner of the world, the little space and niche that is mine and throw the force of my work, energy, and talent God has given me into it.  I was reading Hebrews 13 the other day and it struck me that here I had a very practical guide to living well.  “Do not neglect to do good and share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.”   That's a good place to start for all of us, whether we have found our corner of the world yet or not.  I am scared to try to help the poor.  It seems so complicated and so hopeless.  I am afraid my own family may suffer.  I am afraid I am going to fail.  To live well, must you risk so much?  I don’t know, but it seems faith cannot fully be faith until it acts.

Our foot is nearly out the door, home is almost behind us and a new world lies before us.  Lord, we tremble as much for fear as for anticipation, but deep in us there are desires and convictions we believe are right; don’t leave us.    

-Matt

3:42 PM No comments
We slept heavy hearted.
We wake early to a phone call.
Hearts sinking.

Snow falls softly & serenely outside.
So peaceful.

We make fresh tracks in the snow as we drive.
The drive feels so long, so quiet.
The silence in grief doesn't need to be filled with words.

We arrive at the house & walk slowly back to his bedroom.

There his suffered body lie.

My eyes look intently for the rise & fall of his chest...waiting...hoping.
No. The body is still.
So still.

This is now just a body.

A cancered body that once held the soul of someone we love.

Jonathan is gone.
His soul has moved on.

Now, we wait in hope.
To see him again.
To move on to "Aslan's Country,"
where life awaits, free of the suffering & sorrow that is so near here.

This day two years ago I remember so well.

I write this to remember & to feel.
To live is to feel.
And I wouldn't want to miss out on that.

.....

Remembering Jonathan Pound & holding tight to hope.



3:50 PM No comments
Ancient ruins.
Once a great city,
but always sullen,
always twilight (that time after the sun goes down, but before the hope of a new dawn...that almost dark, but not light fraction of the day.).

This city, built up, stone by stone.
Thought by thought.
Impenetrable walls.
Stone structures. 
Built by knowledge & pride.
The pillars of this faith.

There stood my city, my faith, my soul.

The soul shifts.

The city shifts.
The walls begin to crack.
The soul shifts.
The city shifts.

The soul shifts.
The city shifts.

The walls topple. 
They crumble.
The structure comes tumbling down. 

My soul cracks.
The city is left in ruin.
Broken.
Twilight passes into night.

Time passes.
No light.
No growth.
Only decay.
The city turns to ancient.
Untouched, untended.

I'm afraid to go back in.

The night draws on further into darkness.


. . .


Then God turns His face toward me.

Toward my ruins, my faith, my soul.

A glimmer of light brims over the horizon. 

My glimmer of hope.

The light strengthens. 
The darkness expelled.

The sun rises.

My eyes see again in the light.

The sun warms.
It warms me.
I release.
Release the tension held by darkness, by fear.

The warmth penetrates my soul.
Yes, yes, warm me.
Light me.
Rise, sun, rise.

My ruins, now I see in the light of the morning sun. 

God's face shinning upon me.

My new dawn.
An ancient city, now but crumbled stones strewn & buried in mounds across the land.

My ruins, my faith, my soul.

The sun shines brightly now.
The sky releases it's stored rains.
The rains of healing fall.
Watering.

A seed, long forgotten, begins to sprout.
It pushes it's way up through the raw, earthen soil. 
My soul.
It pushes past crumbled stones of old.

There it is.
New life.

Hope.
Finally in my ruins.


The sun. 
God's love.
His Face.
The rain.
God's healing.
They do their work.

My city dissipates.
And in it's place...

A garden.

A garden that lives & flourishes.

An organic, life bearing, fruit bearing garden.
Ever moving in the breeze. 
Ever changing. 
Growing.
No more solid stones of thought.
No more sullen, lifeless, empty city.

The light of God's love grows my garden.

I tend my garden. 
I care for it. Prune it. Live it. 

Healthy, robust, warm. 

My garden, my faith, my soul. 

Deuteronomy 30:1-5
...come back to God, your God, & obey him with your whole heart & soul according to everything that I command you today, God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back & pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. No matter how far away you end up, God, your God, will get you out of there & bring you back...


Joel 2:21-24
Fear not, Earth! Be glad & celebrate! God has done great things. Fear not, wild animals! The fields & meadows are greening up. The trees are bearing fruit again: a bumper crop of fig trees & vines! Children of Zion, celebrate! Be glad in your God. He’s giving you a teacher to train you how to live right— Teaching, like rain out of heaven, showers of words to refresh & nourish your soul, just as he used to do. And plenty of food for your body—silos full of grain, casks of wine & barrels of olive oil.

-audrey
2:42 PM 1 comments
I used to have a light soul.
a happy, bright heart that was difficult to extinguish.
I used to be strong in myself.
confident.
I used to laugh freely & often,
to be ridiculous & giddy for no reason.
I used to be so...me.

then my soul cracked.
all the life & joy came pouring out.
gone.
lost.

how do you refill an empty soul?
a soul void of joy & freeness?
why is it so difficult to find the things you've lost?
how do I fill the crack, mend it?

even so, that mended crack, it will be a scar. & even so, that original life & joy once lost...that innocent, careless self...is gone.

I want to be me again.

here I sit. my heart searches for the things my soul has lost.

I must find new life & joy to fill my soul.

will I find me?
will the new burn brightly in my soul like the old?

I'll never be the same me I used to be.
everyday I change into a new me.

am I better now than I was then?

my broken, cracked soul, might it be better suited to grow & stretch now...
to grow larger, creating new space for the new me?
for new & more life & joy?

G*d is helping me mend my soul.
He's helping me fill it again.
I won't be the same audrey I was...
I'll be a better audrey.

an audrey more full of a new life & a new joy.

not hating my scar,
but being thankful for it.
not looking at my scar as a curse,
but a blessing--a means to grow my soul far beyond what is was capable of before.

this world.
we wrestle.
it is so strong.
I am so weak.
how do I find strength, confidence in a battle almost lost?

thank you G*d that you are the strength that fills my soul when I feel so weak.
that you are the confidence I can lean on when I have none in myself.
that I will never look into my self to find joy & life once lost, but look into you.
your kind face.
your heart of love that will not turn me away empty.
you will fill an empty & broken soul.
5:02 PM No comments

So, Matt wrote this post in November...& I'm just now getting it up! ooops! Better late than never....

Never have I so looked forward to the Chr*stmas season. There are probably a variety of reasons for this, but there is a sober, deep, quiet, and joyful fullness in my heart. My favorite Chr*stmas song is O Come, O Come Emmanuel. It speaks to me like all good music does:

“…disperse the gloomy clouds of night and death’s dark shadows put to flight…rejoice, rejoice Emmanuel shall come to thee…”

It makes me think of Jon and my family and our coming trip to India. This man came to fight death and darkness, and every shadow that mars His world. It is a violent peace He proclaims. A raging fury against all that poisons and rots all that is beautiful and good. The Light shown into the darkness of human misery and suffering and the Light declared war on the darkness.

More and more the Chr*st*an life comes alive to me as this:
Whatever good you enjoy, share it.
Whatever evil you suffer from, fight against it.

It looks like we will have orientation dates set for India. Audrey and I continue to work and save money and try to prepare as best we can. This is something I feel I have waited so long for. It is a little unsettling that it might actually happen.  But I am desperate it should! It is surreal to think about what Chr*stmas next year may look like.

What of the year following that?
How will we share the good we love and war against the evil we hate in India?
How will I do so now in Denver?
Can I bring hope to the slums and the cubicles?

I feel timid and sheepish, afraid no one understands me. Some days I dream of great triumphs and some days I am terrified of terrible failures. But we are moving closer. One way or the other, many things will change for us in the next year. The more predictable my life feels, the more I am afraid of change. But I am finding new unlikely heroes. I bought a book by a man named Sepp Holzer, an Austrian farmer, and as I was looking at raised beds and ponds and trees I thought to myself: ‘This is incredible.’

Who am I? I used to drool over Ferrari’s and LCD TV’s and stereo equipment, now my heart races at grafting varieties of pears? It is a comfort that the Lord will accomplish His purpose for me. Truly, I feel an odd tool for whatever work I am to do.

May the G*d who is with us disperse the gloomy clouds of night & give you a deep joy this Chr*stmas!
Love, Matt
8:15 AM No comments
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The Pounds

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Matt, Audrey, Ezra & Sienna Pound
Faithful Heart Foundation
Chiang Mai, Thailand

RESCUE A CHILD. BUILD A FAMILY.

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